There's no "good time" for a stroke

In a large(9 children,17 grand kids) and active family an event such as my stroke competes for attention with other significant "life-changing" events in individual and collective lives. For example, the news of my episode on October 9th "displaced" other exciting reports in The Murphy Family News: From Chicago: the formal announcement of the May wedding date of brother Neil to Cathy Cox. From Austin: Tricia was settled into her spectacular new house with siblings (me) and Meghan who was still in the midst of an intensive Master's program at UT's School of Nursing. From Rhode Island: Meanwhile, on the home front...Mom and Dad announced the momentous decision to sell the family home in Rhode Island- their primary residence since 1959. In fact, news of my stroke arrived the day before Mom and Dad were showing the house with a Realtor. So, understand that that the outpouring of time and attention that supported my recovery flowed from individuals deeply involved in the their own life-changing events.

The open expression of concern and affection within this family in midst of crisis was extraordinary, and thanks to mom, captured in a notebook-- a format that allows me to share a few of the exchanges that passed between family-- scroll down this page to read a few selections and try to appreciate how "extraordinary" guestures arose from people in the midst of crisis by taking some fairly simple actions: simple acts of kindness and open expression of affection.

The narrative below evolved via blog,email and journal entries in a "visitors" log mom maintained during my hospitalization. This spectrum of voices provides intimate snapshots of parents and siblings negotiating decisions concerning my welfare while devoting the necessary attention to significant events unfolding in their own lives. In retrospect, the resolution of these inherent conflicts was both a challenge and an opportunity -- as ultimately, we not only survived the crisis du jour, but we also grew closer and stronger. Time after time, what consistently soothed frayed nerves were simple acts of kindness and open expressions of affection. In most instances these acts arose at what appeared to be the "worst possible time" for each of us to have to deal with this.


For those who read this that may (by fate and circumstance) happen not to be blessed with such a large and generous family, may you still find in this narrative sufficient inspiration to nurture the relationships and networks to which you are already connected. My greatest hope : that these snapshots provide you motivation to seek opportunity to give and thereby receive the type of life-affirming support I leveraged to achieve a remarkable recovery from what should have been devastating setback.

sample entries:

• early journal entry from sister mel started pattern of recalling what I was like before the stroke,
  
• sister tricia echoed this thought by reminding me how much I enjoyed life
• Eileen shared what she loved about me and was so eager to protect and to recover
• Neil's powers of observation and verbal skills identify and celebrate the early signs of promise for a "full" recovery

Neil's report from Friday Oct 28th as "detailed as Mel's and the others"

In presenting sister maryEllen's journal entry I explained that her report had significant and immediate impact upon me and other siblings. Mel's reports struck a chord that resonated and continued to elicit thoughts in others that found their way into words. Mel's comments appeared to remind us all of what I was like before my stroke and the expression of her affection for those qualities in and about me had the not so subtle effect of reminding all of us of what was nearly lost and in turn provided motivation for and excitement about each step of my recovery.The tone and content of Neil's report on the 28th of October illustrate the ripple effect I sensed her email had upon others in the family:"I will try to be as detailed as Mel and the other sisters with a report on last evening and today. When I stooped by last night John was not in his room-- he was at a Halloween party on the 6th floor. The staff and some of the patients were wearing costumes, John was wearing all black with his red sox hat on. To complete his costume he then taped a piece of paper to his chest that read"Red sox fan in October The wrong Sox won." There were games that John participated in , including a putting contest. John made a few puts, but missed most of themHe noted that the stroke had not improved his short game.. We then went back to his room, where John took several calls.
I returned to the RIC around 9:30 this morning and stayed with John this morning and afternoon, leaving at 3. We went on a starbucks run--this is becoming a part of the routine..I saw two of John's physical therapy sessions. The first focused on walking. This was with Jennifer and Julia-- as mom and dad can tell you, all the therapists are really friendly and know all of the murphys (mostly because John talks about us constantly)In my untrained view John is showing remarkably good movement with his left leg. John went up and down a flight of stairs with contact assistance-- this means he is doing it on his own with someone there to catch him if he looses his balance. He can walk pretty well and quickly. They're now trying to get him to look to his left and his right while walking, this is tricky for john and he sometimes has difficulty maintaining his balance. Same for walking and then stopping short, he sometimes loses his balance doing this. The last walking exercise was an obstacle course--trying to walk over objects blocks etc without touching them. This was tough for john, he kept walking into objects and he lost his balance several times, but after several tries he successfully completed the course, insisting that I and his therapists"give him some love" and applaud him for his efforts by clapping and cheering(direct quote from john upon completing this exercise: 'I avoided not only the obstacles, but also the pools of my own drool.' His sense of humor and wit still have not missed a beat."
This journal entry was not (by the way) the first manifestation of Neil's fraternal instincts during this episode. It' s worth noting here that I and other family members survived a traumatic visit to the emergency room and a harrowing sequence of decisions to transfer me to the Intensive care unit of Loyola hospital due to Neil's cogent and calm demeanor in making and communicating to family by cell and text messages critical decisions about my treatment and care. I had the rare privilege of publicly acknowledging Neil's contributions to my treatment and recovery several months later in the role of best man at neil's wedding:and provided Neil the "fair warning" a best man should provide a potentially nervous groom by emailing him copy of the notes I had prepared on the eve of his wedding:

I want the Cox family to know that throughout his life Neil has conducted himself in a manner appropriate to the legacy of his name and I must add the gesture of my dad when he choose this significant name.....but,enough about the legacy of his name, and Murphy family history--what has he done for us lately? You all know that I spent a harrowing night on October 9^th in the emergency room of Illinois massonic. Neil and Tricia (who were by my side throughout the ordeal) shared the terrible burden of having to make decisions that might have saved or permantly alter my life-- all while managing communication by cell phone and text message back to parents and siblings on my failing status and the uncertainty of what to do. I’m told that neil was a tremendous source of reason and stability and helped everyone involved to make what proved to be a decision that not only may have saved my life but made possible the miraculous recovery that I have made. And so, Rose and Ed, as best man I present to you that Kathy is marrying a man who embodies all the traits of his namesake,the wisdom and great jusdgement by which he acquired the name, and to that I add my personal and recent experience that he is a man in whose hands I would trust my own life and well-being.

Eileen brings document and a CD to Chicago that inspires and motivates

Upon receiving the news that I had been felled by a stroke, the first reaction of many siblings was to go online and check for flights to Chicago, once Eileen confirmed a flight to arrive Monday afternoon - the day after my stroke, she began a frantic search to locate a note I had sent to her son Ryan several months earlier when he had called to ask if I had seen his hit single before leaving after watching a few innings of his little league game. Eileen explained to me that her "irrational" motive for the search for this seemingly innocuous document was out of concern that she and others were feeling that I wasn't receiving optimum care in the emergency room where I had was brought by ambulance, so in the middle of what appeared to be a conflict between the advice of medical staff at one hospital and the neurology staff at Loyola, Eileen's instinct was to gather this document as compelling evidence to show the medical staff why (to her and hopefully to them ) it was so vital that her brother receive the best possible care...Again, I learned of much of this after the fact but now realize how the concern of my siblings, and the intimate, affectionate ways in which they expressed that concern at the time and on an ongoing, sometimes, daily basis has been a powerful source of support and motivation because it reminds me in vivid and precise detail how and why my recovery means so much to so many remarkable people -I think if you knew or now that you've had a small insight into how she operates you too would understand why I think Eileen and her son Ryan are truly remarkable people.

Another gift Eileen brought from Austin to Chicago was a Darden Smith CD with the song "Little Victories" -one that I had always loved - I had told Eileen how the term "little victories" had acquired new meaning and significance for me: that instead of giving into fear or self-pity over my situation I was going to celebrate the little victories: my first BM, standing for the first time(without falling), my first steps with walker, then with cane and on and on they came- to the point where the song was the soundtrack that got me through the down times or the drudgery of the therapies. Over time, the lyric became a motivational mantra by which momentum was sustained to achieve the big accomplishments/break-throughs.

tricia reminds me what i'm working to recover

Sister Tricia with whom i lived and trained prior to the marathon and who was with me in the ambulance to the emergency room, promising that she would not leave my side(she didn't) and who therfore endured a harrowing night processing and disseminating frightening information from the doctors to family members via cell phone and txt messages- even after waking at 5 am and running a marathon herself. She spent the night by my side until decision was made to transfer me to the ICU of Loyola where the expectation was that I would receive better, more enlightened care - inspite of the warnings of med staff at the emergency room of significant risks of moving me while I was in such a precarious state - concern was swelling of brain and possibility that "vital" functions such as breathing were at risk. Under the circumstances and knowing that mom and dad would be on a plane, as i was placed on respirator in preparation to transport me to Loyola's ICU, Tricia arranged to have a priest visit with me before the ride from the emergency room toLloyola Once I was safely transported, removed from ventilator and deemed out of immediate risk Tricia flew back to Austin and a few days after returning to Austin Tricia sent the following reminder by email- in response to an email I had forwarded to her received from old running friend who had emailed me to tell me how I had always been an inspiration to him tricia's reply:

that's a great email. It's amazing the way you have
touched and influenced people John.

I sent you a letter today, nothing important, just
chit chat, but there's something I forgot to put in
there that I've been thinking....

You obviously know that all this sucks. One thing that
makes me happy is how much you appreciate things. It
somehow makes it okay to say that things suck when
they do. You were always saying that life was good,
you loved the sunset, the temp of the water, the sound
of music outdoors, that this was the good life. It's
good that you see things for what they are.

Things are going to suck for awhile, but that's okay.
You know you can do the hard work and you'll be back
here soon Johnnie, living the good life.

I miss you so.

Patricia


Recalling how tired, frustrated, and scared I was at the time
i can't emphasize enough how significant a source of inspiration it was
to me to read these and subsequent emails from siblings that reminded
me of exactly what was at stake and that my recovery meant so much to so many.
And to think, Tricia said that her letter did not contain "anything important." Let that
be a lesson to us all: you never know, when a simple act of kindness or expression
of affection can make a huge difference to someone who's at the end of their rope,
or down to one last nerve and it's frayed and raw. 

Please start here....

At some point early in the process, my mom decided to chronicle the events surrounding my hospitalization and treatment for the stroke I experienced on October the 9th while running the Chicago marathon. The document and the insights revealed by each entry provide a remarkable illustration of the extraordinary power of family and its potential to inspire the human spirit to confront and overcome adversity that could never be managed by " going it alone." I qualify this testimony of the power of family by admitting that I am extraordinarily blessed with great parents and siblings all of whom- as the following narrative will detail-have invested great time, talent and treasure to construct and maintain something as precious as it is rare: a remarkably functional family unit. For those who read this that may (by fate and circumstance) happen not to be blessed with such a large and generous family, may you still find in this narrative some vision into to the enormous potential for human achievement if inspired and supported by humane and loving relations - regardless of the nature, size or label of the relationship or network of relationships in which sincere, respectful and nurturing love might be found. More significantly, may you find sufficient inspiration to recognize and nurture the relationships and networks to which you are already engaged or connected. My greatest hope : may this story provide you with either the how and/or the why to give and thereby receive the type of life-affirming inspiration and support I have leveraged to achieve a remarkable recovery from what could or should have been devastating setback.
early journal entry from sister mel started pattern of recalling what I was like before the stroke, sister tricia echoed this thought by reminding me how much I enjoyed life
Eileen shared what she loved about me and was so eager to protect and to recover
Neil's powers of observation and verbal skills identify and celebrate the early signs of promise for a "full" recovery

mary ellen visits and reports back to family

Sister Mary Ellen flew in for visit and filed her daily report to the family via email the content tone, and impact upon me and on others in the family are worth noting.
The the underlying affection of an older sister for a younger brother are readily apparent and based on history and status of my "somewhat distant" relationship with MaryEllen (relative to that with the austin sisters with whom I actually or practically live) Mel's expression of this affection for her brother john are inspiring to me and other siblings on several levels. Subsequent emails between family show that Mel's reports struck a chord that resonated and continued to elicit thoughts in others that found their way into words. Mel's comments appeared to remind us all of what I was like before my stroke and the expression of her affection for those qualities in and about me had the not so subtle effect of reminding all of us of what was nearly lost and in turn provided motivation for and excitment about each step of my recovery. Recalling how tired, frustrated, and scared I was at the time i can't emphasize enough how significant a source of inspiration it was to me to read these and subsequent emails from siblings that reminded me of exactly what was at stake and that my recovery meant so much to so many.

saturday october 15that RIC sheila arrives

first days at loyola move to RIC

Dad's notes from Tuesday morning arriving Chicago

mom and Dad made 6:40 am flight from providence to Chicago. They are met by my sisters Eileen and Meghan who have flown in from Austin and by brother Jim who has flown in from D.C. - Jim has arranged for limo transport of this crew from airport to hospital all for a 9am meeting with chief neurologist who will provide an assessment of my condition and prognosis. Significant to note that at some point, tricia and Neil insisted against the wishes of staff at Illinois Masonic that I be transferred to Loyola 's ICU0 - where expectation is that I will receive better care and more informed diagnosis. I later learned the gorey details that Neil, Tricia, and Corey endured a harrowing experience making and executing this decision: between heated exchanges with medical staff at Illinois Masonic and phone calls with the ICU at Loyola regarding transfer and admission, Neil and Tricia were also text messaging with mom,dad and other siblings to keep all informed of and involved in the decisions regarding my prognosis and treatment.And, in the middle of all this chaos, Tricia(knowing mom and dad's concerns about my fragile condition and the risks involved in transporting me to Loyola) requested that I be seen by a Catholic priest before taken by ambulance to loyola's ICU. You can see by virtue of entry in margin of dad's note that dad knew and was I am sure consoled by the news that I received the sacrament of the sick at 6 am before the ambulance rid across Chicago to Loyola

dad's notes from call with doctor oct 10th 1pm

Dad's notes from call with doctors at 1pm on Monday - keep in mind that he is in Rhode Island and has been receiving updates from Tricia and Neil from the emergency room in Chicago. We're only15 hours since I was taken by ambulance to the emergency room. Tricia who ran a marathon the day before is operating on very little sleep, caffene and a ferocious instinct to protect her brother - all while trying to understand just what exactly has happened and if and when he and mom should fly out to Chicago..."he reported massive stroke, damage to left side...critical condition .. bleak progress. put on ventilator. called SW 6:40 flight, further conversation about possibility of transfer to loyola, told doctor we approved although warned about risk of transfer."

mom's was taking notes from day one

At some point early in the process, my mom decided to chronicle the events surrounding my hospitalization and treatment for the stroke I experienced on October the 9th while running the Chicago marathon. The document and the insights revealed by each entry provide a remarkable illustration of the extraordinary power of family and its potential to inspire the human spirit to confront and overcome adversity that could never be managed by " going it alone." I qualify this testimony of the power of family by admitting that I am extraordinarily blessed with great parents and siblings all of whom- as the following narrative will detail-have invested great time, talent and treasure to construct and maintain something as precious as it is rare: a remarkably functional family unit. For those who read this that may (by fate and circumstance) happen not to be blessed with such a large and genorous family, may you still find in this narrative some vision into to the enormous potential for good to be gained through humane and loving relations regardless of the nature, size or label of the relationship or network of relationships in which sincere, respectful and nurturing love might be found. More significantly, may you find, perhaps, sufficient inspiration to recognize and nurture the relationships and networks to which you are already engaged or connected. My greatest hope : may this story provide you with either the how and/or the why to give and thereby receive.